Monday, October 20, 2008

I want to sit with you.

Something snapped tonight.

For the first time since that night of Sardines at Recess Club -- I'm unhappy. I've had tired, grumpy days, but today I'm genuinely upset. Perhaps it's the uneasiness of everyone else around me. Perchance it's homesickness. Perhaps it's the routine I've dug myself into that I just want out of.

Change is a daily dosage in my family. Jokingly, people give my sister the label "unstable". They don't say it straight out, but -- basically. Now that I've lived away from home, I've been slowing learning why she does what she does. Being unhappy in one place makes everything miserable, or at least, not fully enjoyable ever.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy here, but I think I was happier at home, and I feel like something is missing here. I miss stargazing and sitting in the foggy, heavy air. I miss laying on the couch all day watching movies, but mostly talking throughout. I miss womboing around in friends' kitchens and making weird foods together. I miss having deep conversations, relating on levels I've never experienced here.

I don't know if people here realize how I can be. I feel like I'm always a goof, and I want people to know my other side. I want to be loved, and I want to love others. I want to have real conversations, not about boys or even music. I want to know what scoops out people's insides and squishes around their thoughts. I just want a truly strong connection.

Sigh.
This is probably too much for le intardnet, but where else am I going to get this out. I can't talk to people so easily about this, so I guess this is the only way to let them know.

Feeling vulnerable now,
Sarah

1 comment:

Tookie Clothespin said...

i made myself a blog thing.. i caved. =]
i had no idea you wanted to talk like that... because even though im so guarded i want to talk about things.
like i feel like i dont compare to some of the other photographers here... i cant draw and cant work some of the programs like other people can and i feel like i really dont belong here. i havent found my voice my niche. and i want to soooo bad. but i want to stay here just because the atmosphere is clear and i feel like i could progress and enlighten myself into some sort of realm of my own.
please dont feel like you cant talk to me.. you can. because im questioning myself as well.
love u pimpin. youre the best!