Tuesday, October 20, 2009


I'm just going to dump here. So. Here's the forewarning. I really hate openly confessing the worries in my life, but I feel like if I don't get rid of it, it's just going to boil up inside me. In fact, I dislike my own negativity so much that I'll probably end up turning this into a positive post....

Starting With the Now:

Last night Nathan came into the cities and brought me back to Annandale, MN (about an hour, twenty west of Minneapolis) for his uncle Lanny's funeral. To be out of the cities and in an actual home was healing, but the pain in everyone's eyes was a bit emotionally overwhelming. When we stepped in the house around 11 or so, Roxanne (whose home we were staying in) immediately offered me "bars" and leftovers. I knew this wasn't going to be the first offering of food during my stay, but I indulged anyway. Then I slunked into bed and had one of those wake-up-in-the-same-position-you-fell-asleep-in sleeps. Wonderful.

This morning I arose to people moving furniture around me. But nevermind that. We all got ready for the funeral and headed in early for a final goodbye. During the service I couldn't help but thinking about everything at home. (And at that moment, home encompassed Minneapolis, though KC slipped in here and there.) There were many words shared on love and God and pretty typical, comforting words, but the parts that really stuck out to me were about Friendship. They kept saying things like "Never underestimate the value of a good friendship" or "Tell your friends you love them because it might be the last time." And yeah, those are the kinds of sayings that you like to think you adhear to, but the next day they're kind of lost again.

I suppose I'm saying that I'm really thankful for my friends right now. As it may have been predicted, I am much more settled in at MCAD this year. I feel like I know who I am, who my friends are, and where and with whom I want to invest my time. It seems kind of vain to long for those things so much, but it's just where I am right now. Even last year, when I thought I was getting really "tight" with people, it's not the same as it is this time around. I feel like the few people I've been spending a lot of time with have been really worthwhile. (Not that people weren't last year!) But they just make me light up when I see them. And isn't that how it should be? I think so.

I know so.

Continuing on with the Past:

The last few weeks, I have been stressed, yes. More than I can ever remember being in the past. It's not a nervousness, but an intense, constant anxiety. It's like I'm tripping over myself and can't catch my footing. I keep trying to escape or to distract myself, but when it comes down to it -- I think I just need to deal with it. It sounds like a "duh" kind of thing, but it's easier said than done in my current state of mind.

I was doing some reading the other day and came across the quote, "Work for love's sake, not for work's sake." I love that. I love Love. And I think I've said that many times before. But I wish I could just get a 4 year degree in loving people because that in itself seems to be my greatest motivation. I know I don't talk about God directly all that much, but all that I know about life and living comes from the Word that I know. And I am so thankful for it. It brings me peace when I'm emotional. It reminds me of the power of love. It gives me strength when I can't seem to push through the day. It supplies my every need. And that's that. I just want to show that same stability to others.

Feeling extremely gushy,


Sara said...

I love you!

Jayme McClellan said...

I love your writing Surrruhhh. You're so wise (like a miniature Buddah, covered in hair)...but seriously. The world needs deep thinkers like you who can come up with positive thoughts to keep them going, and that remind them of what is important in life. I know I do. :)